Guerilla Cricket Volume 1 - Ashes and Election

by James Sherwood

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1.
03:16
Take guard! Man the barricades! Patrol the cover boundary! At last the time is come. This is a cricketing emergency. Hear this call to arms For every cricket revolutionary. Take up your bats and stumps For the Test Match Insurgency. At first they tried to silence us, But we would not be silenced They threatened us with lies, So we threatened them with violence Che Guevara, Sangakkara Joseph Stalin, Douglas Jardine Robespierre, Darrell Hair Vladimir Lenin, O’Brien Kevin Guerilla Cricket It’s not about the winning, It’s about how many rules you break Even in cricket commentary This is the best advice to take Pick Guerilla Cricket - It’s the finest choice you’ll ever make There’s so much more to cricket than Rev counters and a slice of cake At first they tried to sanitise us And clean up our act But people like it filthy, And we know that for a fact. Fidel Castro, Lennie Pascoe Carlos the Jackal, Umar Akmal Mahatma Gandhi, Grant and Andy Brendan Behan, Austin Ian Guerilla Cricket Stick with us, cos you know We’re not the kind of thing that you see on The TV and the radio So Vive La Revolution At first they tried to buy us But we would not be bought OK, we were, but then we ran away, And we will not be caught. We would not give up the ghost When they left us all for dead They decapitated us, But we just grew another head Chairman Mao, Jamie How Ho Chi Minh, Asif Din Vaclav Havel, Graham Saville No Surrender, Percy Fender Guerilla Cricket
2.
He's got the face of a fat man Who's just climbed the stairs Gary Ballance Prior ain't no loss Cos we've found someone subtler. OK, he can't spell Joss But he also can't spell Butler. Jos Buttler Just because he's Jos Buttler One S and two Ts Jos Buttler
3.
Piggy piggy piggy piggy pig pig pig Piggy piggy piggy piggy Piggy piggy piggy piggy Piggy piggy piggy piggy Piggy piggy piggy piggy pig pig pig He used to live in Bondi And flog pants they call Bonds. I Heard his ex Lara Bingle Was prone to a bungle. But now he's not so silly He lives in Lilli Pilli But now I have have been told 'e Has married Kyly Boldy Michael Clarke Michael Clarke Michael Clarke Michael Clarke Sing the song Michael Clarke Michael Clarke Sing the song When I say Michael Clarke Sing the song When I say Not before Michael Clarke Sing the song When I say Sing the song Michael Clarke Not before Not before Michael Clarke Sing the song Sing the song When I say Michael Clarke. He's not Geoff, he's not Shaun, he's not Rod, he's not Daniel He's not Jack, he's not Jamie, he's not Lisa, he's not Paul He's not Adrian, he's not Andrew, he's not CJ, he's not Christian He's not Dean, he's not Eric, he's not Edward, he's not John He's not James, he's not Laura, he's not Paul, he's not Reginald He's not Steve, he's not William, he's not Amiria, he's not Terry He's not Brendon, he's not Geoff, he's not Shaun, he's not Rod Mitchell Marsh
4.
5.
Oh my word You haven't misheard So let me repeat That was a LibDem seat. Labour gain (Labour gain) Labour gain (Labour, Labour gain) Tory gain, Tory gain, Tory gain, Tory gain Tory gain, Tory gain, Tory, Tory gain It's a Scottish seat but the SNP didn't win it The SNP didn't win it, the SNP didn't win it It's a Scottish seat but the SNP didn't win it We're as surprised as you. Woman MP Nakul's crazy UKIP countdown Nakul's crazy UKIP countdown Nakul's crazy UKIP countdown What is that supposed to mean? (What is that supposed to mean?) What is that supposed to mean? What is that supposed to mean? What do you think you are wearing? You look like a fool. Your mother's watching this with tears in her eyes. There's gremlins in the system There's gremlins in the system There's gremlins in the system There's gremlins in the system There's gremlins in the system
6.
02:53
He bowls and he bats and he used to be fat and he's from Pontefract Tim Bresnan He's never too flash, his first wicket was Nash, and he's got no moustache Tim Bresnan He loves to relax and his son is called Max and that's all my facts About Bresnan He bowls and he bats and he used to be fat and he's from Pontefract Tim Bresnan Timothy Thomas, Tim Tom, Timothy Tomothy Bresnan
7.
Well done boys, brilliant stuff That was their last recognised batsman We’ve definitely now done enough Cos that was their last recognised batsman We’ve got one or two more to get To give the whole thing some finality But the result is now as good as set It’s nothing more than a formality. Our opponents now are on their last legs The batters are all out now we’re on to the dregs Prepare for abject surrender From every single tailender. Well, boys, we’ve played brilliantly We’ve done just what we set out to do Now just watch I guarantee They’ll be gone in an over or two. OK, fifteen overs have passed This game’s trickier than it appears These tail-enders are scoring quite fast And my leggie’s just burst into tears But it’s not a total disaster It’s not like we’re on the Titanic. We just need to bowl a bit faster Field well and, mainly, not panic But this team’s in quite creative hands It’s time for one of my more imaginative plans Put a third leg slip in play And get point to face the wrong way It’s not what every captain would do But I’ll get him eventually And if it’s not worked in an hour or two Then I’ll come up with Plan B. Well this is ridiculous now It is getting beyond a joke Every over they’re taking a bow Cos a different world record got broke Now he’s laughing cos he’s got his hundred I was told he’s an absolute bunny It’s bad enough when your bowlers get plundered But must the batting side find it so funny? I think of things I wish I was doing instead Like dental work or being dead This partnership’s awful duration Is more like a hostage situation The despair that this moment inspires! It’s been two hours since the last wicket I so hate the batsmen, and the umpires But most of all - God, I hate cricket.

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released August 12, 2015

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