ALBUM: Winning here

by James Sherwood

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1.
Nigel Farage won't be an MP this year Just like every other year. Nigel stood in Eastleigh in 1994 But his campaign didn't come to much He was beaten by the LibDems and Labour and the Tories And did only slightly better than Screaming Lord Sutch. Nigel stood in Salisbury in 1997 (he came 4th) Then Bexhill and Battle in 2001 (he came 4th) In 2005 he stood in South Thanet (and came 4th) What an irresistible rise His only limit was the skies And being an unworthy use of a franchise In the British electorate's eyes. Nigel Farage won't be an MP this year Just like every other year. Nigel fought a by-election in Bromley and Chislehurst In May of 2006 Some people said that he would finish 4th again But Nigel made them all look like dicks (he came 3rd). Then in 2010 he fought the seat of Buckingham When all the major parties stood aside Nigel didn't agree with their cosy convention To give the House of Commons Speaker a free ride. (But he still came 3rd.) Then in 2015 he stood in South Thanet again The best campaign that's ever been run. He took on ten opponents, some of whom were fictional And vanquished all of them but one. (So he still lost, then? Yeah.) But Nigel won the Brexit vote They said it couldn't be done It was far too hard So the only vote Nigel's ever won Was when his name wasn't on the card. Nigel Farage won't be an MP this year Just like every other year. Nigel won't star in parliament this year But don't worry, he'll still appear On Question Time and Newsnight and The Andrew Neil Interviews Panorama, Daily Politics, and Channel 4 News The Andrew Marr Show, Loose Women, and the Wright Stuff Peston on Sunday and Have I Got News For You. Jonathan Aitken was an MP Neil Hamilton was an MP Jeffrey Archer was an MP Nigel Farage not an MP Oswald Mosley was an MP Robert Maxwell was an MP Iain Duncan Smith is an MP Nigel Farage not an MP
2.
Ask me a question I'll give you the answer The key to world peace or the cure for cancer You'll find I'm very good at this game Cos no matter the question the answer's the same What's the most important issue facing the nation? Why are 30 Tory MPs under police investigation? Why won't you do any TV debates? Why d'you keep using a phrase that everyone hates? Strong and stable leadership How did it feel holding Donald Trump's hand? What's it called when The Hulk and Red Rum rule the land? Why did you rule out an election and then call one anyway? Is this the way to Amarillo? Do you know the way to San Jose? Strong and stable leadership Could you take a life? Would you shoot to kill? What's an anagram of 'pert goddesses banana thrill'? Should I get an android or stick with an iPhone? What's connected to Angela Merkel's thigh bone? Strong and stable leader's hip What's a more annoying phrase than 'hard-working families?' Why the hell did you make Boris Johnson foreign secretary?
3.
My name is Jeremy Corbyn and I approve this message. For the country’s good On election day We need as few of you as possible To vote for Theresa May We’d love you to vote Labour Ideally But, as you’re not really buying that, Here’s Plan B. Vote UKIP, Vote UKIP We don’t care why or how If you’ve voted UKIP in the past, For God’s sake don’t stop now. If all the racists and loonies Who thought Nigel was a dude Now drift home to the Tories Then Labour’s really screwed So vote UKIP. Don’t vote with your brain Use your cold hollow heart. If you’ve never voted UKIP before Now’s a great time to start. If you hated Farage, fear not, He’s not standing this June. If you loved him, don’t worry, Cos I’m sure he’ll be back soon. Vote UKIP, Come on it’s not Exactly rocket science This’ll work much better than a Progressive alliance. Make a deal with Greens or LibDems And you’re out on your ear. But luring fruitcakes back to UKIP's An impeccable idea. We in Labour are the friends Of the lowly and the small But we know that quite a lot of you Are not like that at all. So if compassion and humanity For you are a total no-go Don’t vote Tory, put your cross next to That lovely purple logo. I know most of you don’t care for What Labour is about But if you could vote UKIP one more time That would really help us out. Thank you! That was a party election broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party.
4.
Do you remember how we felt 45 years ago? Our hopes were high. How could they end up so low? We found your letters, full of sadness, hope, and even wisdom. You found our ripped-up copy of the Treaty of Lisbon. The end has come, Our time is done, Nothing left to do but go. One final sigh, One last goodbye, But there's one thing you should know: Forty-eight per cent of us love you. We were different from the start. You liked a sponge, but we preferred a flannel. When we said, 'We need some space,' you said, 'You've got The Channel.' Life seems much more crowded now than back when we were new. There's only of us but there's 27 of you. Now in my head There's things we said That I'm sure we both regret. You'll surely say, 'You walked away,' But you never should forget Forty-eight per cent of us love you.
5.
02:36
I love a good election, me. The drama and the history - It always gets me - hook, line, and sinker. I love a bad election too And, if you’re lucky, so do you Cos this year’s one is an absolute stinker. We’ve got the most unlikely Labour leader there’s even been And the worst Tory campaign you’ve ever seen. I’ve got a theory that you should hear: Nobody actually wants to win this year. When Labour got itself into a credible position They put Diane Abbott on the news doing long division. They thought it would be over that afternoon Cos nobody actually wants to win this June. But then the Tory campaign served up on a plate Loads of stuff that any Tory voter would hate. Half their manifesto’s already in the bin Cos this year no one really wants to win. When more and more said they’d vote Labour this time Corbyn said that terrorism’s your fault and mine And, for luck, kept mentioning the IRA Cos no one wants to win this election day. Building a campaign on Theresa May’s personal charm Is the electoral equivalent of self-harm. Winning this thing is what they all most fear Nobody actually wants to win this year. And can you blame them? I mean, would you? D’you fancy clinging on to Scotland or leaving the EU? You have to sort out the whole nation’s niggles Then chat to Donald Trump without collapsing into giggles. I’d rather take a long walk on a short pier Or watch Danny Dyer give us his King Lear Or lend my favourite gerbil to Richard Gere Nobody actually wants to win this year.
6.
03:23
We fight each other Sister against brother To realise our dreams and puncture yours. We victimise To take the prize Through all those locked horns and settled scores But there is one thing we Can surely all agree It’s all David Cameron’s fault It’s all David Cameron’s fault Take all I say with a pinch of salt Except when I say that everything’s Cameron’s fault. The thing you most regret Is what no one will forget Your best and shining moments all forgotten But however things turn out One thing we agree about It’s all David Cameron’s fault It’s all David Cameron’s fault Take everyone with a pinch of salt Except when they say that everything’s Cameron’s fault. Election day - Cameron’s fault Theresa May - Cameron’s fault Referendum - Cameron’s fault Trumpageddon - Cameron’s fault It’s all David Cameron’s fault It’s all David Cameron’s fault Take everything with a pinch of salt Unless it’s someone saying that everything’s Cameron’s fault.
7.
Everybody knows that young people never care about how the country is run Everybody knows they’re all just taking selfies, drinking, and having fun OK, some of them are terribly passionate. I know there’s always some of those They’ll scream and shout til they get a sore throat On any point they’ve got a Chomsky quote But whatever happens they will never ever vote It’s just something that everybody knows. Everybody knows it’s fine if the hall for your big speech is deserted Everybody knows if thousands turn up you’re just preaching to the converted Cos nobody’s even listening. They don’t care what’s in the manifestos Whatever sort of campaign you’ve run They’ll vote the same way they’ve always done Or follow the orders on the front page of the Sun It’s just something that everybody knows. Everybody knows that offering hope will only lead to rejection Everybody knows that treating people like idiots wins an election Cos no one ever did badly from under-estimating ordinary Joes We want a leader with a plan for the poor Who knows what a field of wheat is for And will cheerfully lead us into nuclear war It’s just something that everybody knows.

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released July 4, 2017

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