Winning here

by James Sherwood

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credits

released July 4, 2017

tags

tags: comedy London

license

all rights reserved
Track Name: Nigel Farage won't be an MP this year (just like every other year)
Nigel Farage won't be an MP this year
Just like every other year.

Nigel stood in Eastleigh in 1994
But his campaign didn't come to much
He was beaten by the LibDems and Labour and the Tories
And did only slightly better than Screaming Lord Sutch.

Nigel stood in Salisbury in 1997 (he came 4th)
Then Bexhill and Battle in 2001 (he came 4th)
In 2005 he stood in South Thanet (and came 4th)

What an irresistible rise
His only limit was the skies
And being an unworthy use of a franchise
In the British electorate's eyes.

Nigel Farage won't be an MP this year
Just like every other year.

Nigel fought a by-election in Bromley and Chislehurst
In May of 2006
Some people said that he would finish 4th again
But Nigel made them all look like dicks (he came 3rd).

Then in 2010 he fought the seat of Buckingham
When all the major parties stood aside
Nigel didn't agree with their cosy convention
To give the House of Commons Speaker a free ride. (But he still came 3rd.)

Then in 2015 he stood in South Thanet again
The best campaign that's ever been run.
He took on ten opponents, some of whom were fictional
And vanquished all of them but one. (So he still lost, then? Yeah.)

But Nigel won the Brexit vote
They said it couldn't be done
It was far too hard
So the only vote Nigel's ever won
Was when his name wasn't on the card.

Nigel Farage won't be an MP this year
Just like every other year.
Nigel won't star in parliament this year
But don't worry, he'll still appear
On Question Time and Newsnight and The Andrew Neil Interviews
Panorama, Daily Politics, and Channel 4 News
The Andrew Marr Show, Loose Women, and the Wright Stuff
Peston on Sunday and Have I Got News For You.

Jonathan Aitken was an MP
Neil Hamilton was an MP
Jeffrey Archer was an MP
Nigel Farage not an MP

Oswald Mosley was an MP
Robert Maxwell was an MP
Iain Duncan Smith is an MP
Nigel Farage not an MP
Track Name: Strong and stable leadership
Ask me a question I'll give you the answer
The key to world peace or the cure for cancer
You'll find I'm very good at this game
Cos no matter the question the answer's the same

What's the most important issue facing the nation?
Why are 30 Tory MPs under police investigation?
Why won't you do any TV debates?
Why d'you keep using a phrase that everyone hates?

Strong and stable leadership

How did it feel holding Donald Trump's hand?
What's it called when The Hulk and Red Rum rule the land?
Why did you rule out an election and then call one anyway?
Is this the way to Amarillo? Do you know the way to San Jose?

Strong and stable leadership

Could you take a life? Would you shoot to kill?
What's an anagram of 'pert goddesses banana thrill'?
Should I get an android or stick with an iPhone?
What's connected to Angela Merkel's thigh bone?

Strong and stable leader's hip

What's a more annoying phrase than 'hard-working families?'
Why the hell did you make Boris Johnson foreign secretary?
Track Name: My name is Jeremy Corbyn (and I approve this message)
My name is Jeremy Corbyn and I approve this message.

For the country’s good
On election day
We need as few of you as possible
To vote for Theresa May

We’d love you to vote Labour
Ideally
But, as you’re not really buying that,
Here’s Plan B.

Vote UKIP, Vote UKIP
We don’t care why or how
If you’ve voted UKIP in the past,
For God’s sake don’t stop now.

If all the racists and loonies
Who thought Nigel was a dude
Now drift home to the Tories
Then Labour’s really screwed

So vote UKIP. Don’t vote with your brain
Use your cold hollow heart.
If you’ve never voted UKIP before
Now’s a great time to start.

If you hated Farage, fear not,
He’s not standing this June.
If you loved him, don’t worry,
Cos I’m sure he’ll be back soon.

Vote UKIP, Come on it’s not
Exactly rocket science
This’ll work much better than a
Progressive alliance.

Make a deal with Greens or LibDems
And you’re out on your ear.
But luring fruitcakes back to UKIP's
An impeccable idea.

We in Labour are the friends
Of the lowly and the small
But we know that quite a lot of you
Are not like that at all.

So if compassion and humanity
For you are a total no-go
Don’t vote Tory, put your cross next to
That lovely purple logo.

I know most of you don’t care for
What Labour is about
But if you could vote UKIP one more time
That would really help us out.

Thank you!

That was a party election broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party.
Track Name: Forty-eight per cent of us
Do you remember how we felt 45 years ago?
Our hopes were high. How could they end up so low?
We found your letters, full of sadness, hope, and even wisdom.
You found our ripped-up copy of the Treaty of Lisbon.

The end has come,
Our time is done,
Nothing left to do but go.
One final sigh,
One last goodbye,
But there's one thing you should know:

Forty-eight per cent of us love you.

We were different from the start. You liked a sponge, but we preferred a flannel.
When we said, 'We need some space,' you said, 'You've got The Channel.'
Life seems much more crowded now than back when we were new.
There's only of us but there's 27 of you.

Now in my head
There's things we said
That I'm sure we both regret.
You'll surely say,
'You walked away,'
But you never should forget

Forty-eight per cent of us love you.
Track Name: Winning here
I love a good election, me.
The drama and the history -
It always gets me - hook, line, and sinker.

I love a bad election too
And, if you’re lucky, so do you
Cos this year’s one is an absolute stinker.

We’ve got the most unlikely Labour leader there’s even been
And the worst Tory campaign you’ve ever seen.
I’ve got a theory that you should hear:
Nobody actually wants to win this year.

When Labour got itself into a credible position
They put Diane Abbott on the news doing long division.
They thought it would be over that afternoon
Cos nobody actually wants to win this June.

But then the Tory campaign served up on a plate
Loads of stuff that any Tory voter would hate.
Half their manifesto’s already in the bin
Cos this year no one really wants to win.

When more and more said they’d vote Labour this time
Corbyn said that terrorism’s your fault and mine
And, for luck, kept mentioning the IRA
Cos no one wants to win this election day.

Building a campaign on Theresa May’s personal charm
Is the electoral equivalent of self-harm.
Winning this thing is what they all most fear
Nobody actually wants to win this year.

And can you blame them? I mean, would you?
D’you fancy clinging on to Scotland or leaving the EU?
You have to sort out the whole nation’s niggles
Then chat to Donald Trump without collapsing into giggles.

I’d rather take a long walk on a short pier
Or watch Danny Dyer give us his King Lear
Or lend my favourite gerbil to Richard Gere
Nobody actually wants to win this year.
Track Name: DC
We fight each other
Sister against brother
To realise our dreams and puncture yours.

We victimise
To take the prize
Through all those locked horns and settled scores

But there is one thing we
Can surely all agree

It’s all David Cameron’s fault
It’s all David Cameron’s fault
Take all I say with a pinch of salt
Except when I say that everything’s Cameron’s fault.

The thing you most regret
Is what no one will forget
Your best and shining moments all forgotten

But however things turn out
One thing we agree about

It’s all David Cameron’s fault
It’s all David Cameron’s fault
Take everyone with a pinch of salt
Except when they say that everything’s Cameron’s fault.

Election day - Cameron’s fault
Theresa May - Cameron’s fault
Referendum - Cameron’s fault
Trumpageddon - Cameron’s fault

It’s all David Cameron’s fault
It’s all David Cameron’s fault
Take everything with a pinch of salt
Unless it’s someone saying that everything’s Cameron’s fault.
Track Name: Everybody knows
Everybody knows that young people never care about how the country is run
Everybody knows they’re all just taking selfies, drinking, and having fun
OK, some of them are terribly passionate. I know there’s always some of those
They’ll scream and shout til they get a sore throat
On any point they’ve got a Chomsky quote
But whatever happens they will never ever vote
It’s just something that everybody knows.

Everybody knows it’s fine if the hall for your big speech is deserted
Everybody knows if thousands turn up you’re just preaching to the converted
Cos nobody’s even listening. They don’t care what’s in the manifestos
Whatever sort of campaign you’ve run
They’ll vote the same way they’ve always done
Or follow the orders on the front page of the Sun
It’s just something that everybody knows.

Everybody knows that offering hope will only lead to rejection
Everybody knows that treating people like idiots wins an election
Cos no one ever did badly from under-estimating ordinary Joes
We want a leader with a plan for the poor
Who knows what a field of wheat is for
And will cheerfully lead us into nuclear war
It’s just something that everybody knows.